Re: Our Brave and Honoured (Un)Dead

[Verbena Domitia]

Verbena breaks her shocked silence with a torrent of low, angry words, coursing freely like blood from an open wound.
"Allowed to make mistakes, am I? Oh yes, I've been so very untouchable, all that gentle kindness from Herr and Pocket and Volk, all those blind eyes. You can't honestly believe I hold the cards here. You're not that foolish, Gurok. You've kept me on your leash ever since Volk turned me out on Holdfast's doorstep. If I turn you away, what do you lose? A burden, if I'm to believe your words tonight. But the reverse... What the hell have I done to you besides bleed for you, beg for you, weep for you? Until you got tired, and it didn't suit you anymore. What I mattered to me was fine until it got in your way. I had a conversation like this on a beach once, while a village burned behind me. At least Volk kept his promises. At least Volk had the decency not to pretend we were friends."

[Gurok]

I'm not talking about Volk, nor Herr and Pocket. I'm talking about you and me.
The leash you're talking about was not for them. I took the role of keeping an eye on you, not because I thought you were dangerous, but because I wanted to protect you.
I knew everyone would be keeping an eye on you. Watching for one false move, one word out of line, any excuse to get rid of the crazy racist bitch. And I was scared they would hurt you. I took the role because if I didn't, someone else would, and you would not have survived their reactions to your attitude.
You're right though. What mattered to you WAS fine. It was more than fine. I wanted you to be happy. I really did. And it would be more than an inconvenience to me to help you get what you wanted out of this life. Yet I was willing to do that.
I have no excuse for my suicide. You showed me that I mattered to you, and I did not believe you. I thought to myself,
"Even if this does hurt her as much as she implies, It won't hurt her for long. The people here are finally accepting her. She is no longer a danger to them or to herself. My job here is done, I won't be here to get in the way any longer. I've done all I can, and made more than my fair share of mistakes. I've hurt her more than I've helped already, and she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. She's better off without me, even if she does actually care about me."
But it turns out I was right, wasn't I?
I've come back to find you've made a grand plan to come rescue me, featuring you, as my knight in shining armor. Showcasing how reformed you are, proving to one and all that you are now a Good Person (TM), a perfect way to win their hearts. You sang a god damned musical number. Stealing the show, as always.
But then I came back, all on my own. And you didn't say a word. Suddenly, you couldn't be the hero. The Suicide you claimed as your stage was whipped out from under you. Now that my death doesn't benefit you anymore, you are angry. Look at you. You're seething. I may have used you to help fill the hole in my heart, to help me feel useful and needed, to make me feel like maybe I was special. Just a little bit. To someone. But you used me as a shield, and when I broke, you made a ladder out of my god damned corpse.

[Verbena Domitia]

"You don't get to use what I did that night against me. You don't get to make me care and then cast it into my teeth. No. You think you know what happened? You have no idea. No idea. I was tired, too. And I swam out to save you. And when I couldn't, I waited for Pierre to bring help. And when he didn't, I got help myself. And when Big Tom dragged you out, I listened to your ribs cracking as he tried to bring you back. And when I got back, I sang because that's what we do. And after I sang, I begged them not to bring your body to the cellar because I didn't want you to be alone. And when they did, I spoke with Timmean and Val to arrange for Lynn to bring me to the Land of the Dead. And when that was arranged, I set to finding each and every citizen of Holdfast to provide testimony to your worth because you'd said only hours ago that you wanted reassurance and truth, and I knew this town could offer so I would be damned if I'd let you die for a lie. And when the letter was posted, I went to the forge to oversee the forging of your medal. And when that was done, I assisted Val in planning her journey to the Mists to retrieve you in the event that you had already passed on, listening to her talk of crossing the mountains of Cullasseth if that's what it took. And when we realized the Faerie Circle may need to be reestablished to do so, I gave them a standing offer to use me as a the sacrifice. And when the evidence was established, when the plan was made, when we'd wept together, promised together, when we'd sat for hours in the darkness of a triumph you made a tragedy, you walked in the door. And I gave you my coat."
You said this town needed to be united. I did that. When you stopped building, when you stopped being the builder you promised me you were, I kept going like you told me to the night I wrote those letters. I kept building. Because I wanted you back. Whatever that took. Whatever it took. And it was going to take Lynn and Timmean and Val and Bikbun and Keket and Durkis and Big Tom and Winnie and Francis and every damn person here, and in my most broken moment, I had to bring them together because I was the only person you'd saddled with the understanding of that night. I built the case to prove you mattered. To everyone. And always had."
"So I said nothing. Because you brought my world crashing down when you drowned the one thing that mattered in it, and the moment I found my footing, you changed everything again by walking through that door. What could I say? What could I say when everything that mattered was in your hands and I couldn't know from one moment to the next what you would do with it? You held every card, Gurok. Every last one."

[Gurok]

Gurok is still sitting on her stump as verbina speaks. Her stony expression quicly fades to one of guilt, then painfull aceptance, though tears do start to drip down her face. When Verbina starts describing to describe what happened after gurok walked into the water, Gurok starts to remove her armor, though obviously still listening, tears dripping all the while. By the time that Verbena had finished, Gurok was in a simple white shirt, and brown pants. Her armor lay on the ground beside her in a neat pile. stitting on her stump, her back to the fire, Gurok closes her eyes and takes a deem breath, seeming to relax her muscles, Then looks up into Verbena's eyes and starts to speak in a low, calm voice. "You have every right to be angry with me.
I've made yet another mistake that has hurt you.
I don't want these cards Verbena. Please, please take them from me.
I've shown you over and over again that I do not deserve the power to hurt you.
I don't deserve the power to hurt or even influence anyone in this world, I don't want the power to influence anything. I don't want the power to change anything.

The last time I held Ducky in my arms, I realised that I am holding an entire life in my hands. Hundreds and hundreds of years, and put under my clumsy care. I have been given an entire person, in their most vulnerable state. I don't deserve that. I don't want that. Every single thing I do, even from before she was born, will leave a mark on her, for better or for worse.
Whenever somone trusts me, cares about me, I am given a tiny peice of them. I have the ultimate weapon.
But even with nothing in them, my hands shake. Please, please, let me put this heavy load down. Every single one of these peices is now damaged in some way.
This is not to say I havn't helped people too. I've left my mark on the world and it is one of immeasurable love and care and effort. But even at my very best, This is, my very best. Ive done my best, and thats all I can do. And yet im surrounded by the shatterd peices of people who trusted me. It's time I go.
I don't know why I came back, but I feel no different. I was underneith the water, my lungs screaming, my nose and ears and stomach full of water but the pain was one of sweet sweet rest. I was happy. I was light as the air. I felt at peace.
Then, I was naked and cold in the Faerie circle, with a feeling of deep resignation and dissapointement that sounded in my bones. I walked back to the Inn, every muscle sore, only to find that in my departure I had left even more pain in my wake. I cannot run away from what I have done. Show me the damage I've done. let me see it up close, every crack and dent. Do the same to me, if it would help you feel better.
Know that I am sorry. Know that if you continue to care about me, despite my best efforts, more pain will come"

[Verbena Domitia]

"Gurok." Verbena tries to maintain her rage and indignation, but its clear her heart is not in it. "Gurok." Softer, faltering. She sighs bitterly and sits beside her friend, tense fingers pulling at blades of grass. Her voice is sullen and thin with pain. "After you lead me like a lamb to slaughter, I stood by you. I thought I understood, thought that you no longer had any reason to betray me. You said you traded my life for yours because you had to live for them. Your words, Gurok. I could die so long as you lived, because your life mattered more than mine. And then..." She swallows, drops her head, fixes her eyes on the ground. "After all your honeyed words of friendship, if you hold your life above mine and still throw yours away like it was nothing, then... then how little must you think of me." This last is a choked whisper, and tears spatter the dirt, dripping from her chin as her chest shudders and heaves.

[Gurok]

Slowly, Gurok lowers herself off Her stump, to come healing beside Verbena. She moves as if to embrace Verbena but then seems to think better of it. She puts her hands back in her lap and after a moment of silence, looks up at the friend she had betrayed. "Do you want me to tell you the truth? I don't know if it will hurt more or less than what you think now."

[Verbena Domitia]

"I hate the truth." Verbena dashes a hand across her eyes. "Tell me anyway."

[Gurok]

"I lied to you. I did not betray you because I valued my life over yours.
I betrayed you because ever after all he had already done, I trusted him.
He told me he had orders to take you out, and that he could tell me no more. I thought about it all night as I lay there beside you. the only person that could have given him that order was lady Valaria. and lady Valaria does not take these things lightly. If she ordered volk to kill you, it was because it was the lesser of two evils. She must have seen no other option that would result in less suffering. She must have know that by sending you to your death, She would save many others. I trusted that volk had told the truth, and that lady Valaria was making the best decision.
I felt wrong about it. it felt so very wrong. but I know that Lady Valaria is so much wiser than me, especially when it comes to warcraft, and that if i intervined, I could be sentancing who knows how many others to their death. I lied to you about it because I would have rather you see me as selfish, than you see me as stupid. Looking back, I don't know why I would prefer selfish over stupid. maybe I though you would be more forgiving of selfishness. I don't know. But there it is. I never values my life alone over yours. I valued victory over the imperials over your life. And just as an add on to that, I did not leave this world behind because I thought I was worthless.I though I explained the already but let me say it again-I gave it my all and I was good. I feel like if anyone truly knew the whole story of my life, how I was feeling at each moment, they would be proud of me. They would think I was a truly good person and they would be right. I didnt die because I thought i was worthless or that nobody appreciated me. I died because I had a job to do and I gave it my all and now there is nothing left."

[Verbena Domitia]

Verbena is silent for a long moment. "Gurok, I..." Heavy sigh. "...can't trust you. I can't stop caring about you. But I can't trust you."

[Gurok]

"Take it from me. Please. Please try to stop caring. even if you don't trust me, so long as you care about me I can still hurt you. I don't want that. Please, just take it back."

[Verbena Domitia]

"You don't know what you ask of me, Gurok. I can't give it to you. But there can be no betrayal without trust, no disappointment without expectations. I won't be hurt again."

[Verbena Domitia]

"You'll carry what you must. As we all do. And as for what you deserve? None of us get what we deserve. We must seize it ourselves." She raises her head and gazes out across the water. "I will tend the land. Grow a garden. You deserve to do the same. We could do it together."

[Gurok]

At the mention of the garden, Gurok seemes absolutely elated. "As you wish." Barely containing a grin, She stands up, and offers Verbena a hand up. Dusting herself off, Gurok thinks out loud.
"I'd still like to leave at dawn, but somone has got to tend the fire. If I stay here untill it is done, would you get some rest so you could drive the cart tomorrow?"

[Verbena Domitia]

Verbena hesitates a moment, but takes the hand. "Sounds reasonable." She turns to go, but pauses. "Gurok, this isn't... We aren't settled. Alright? There's a lot that I can't simply..." She trails off, shaking her head.

[Gurok]

"There's nothing I could do to completely make it up to you I know. And there's probably nothing you could say that would properly convey how much I hurt you. If you have more to say, let it be said after I rest. I want to be awake enough to really hear what you're saying. I will come join you to pack the cart at dawn. Sleep well, Lady Verbena."

[Pierre]

After Gurok had left the knights camp, Pierre follows shortly after and spots Father Francis and heads towards his direction.
“You look deep in thought Father. I suppose when it gets busy, it gets really busy for you.” A trying smile to lighten the mood. “I don’t suppose I could offer my help in anyway? I see Gurok is taking care of her own, and thought maybe my errands can wait a bit longer.” He places his hands on his back and gives a quick stretch of the back. “Everything alright with them two?” Referring to the conversations between Gurok and Verbena. “Erm...never mind, probably not my business.” As he remembers what happened yesterday.
Quickly changing back to the main topic. “When is the ceremony again? I think I missed out on the conversations this morning at the inn as Billybuns and her crew showed up. I’d very much like to pay my respect to them.”

[Sage (Cast)]

"Ah, yes, well... I was hoping to hold the service tonight, but it's gotten a bit late, hasn't it? I wouldn't want for us to be attacked while paying our respects, and I definitely don't want to have to rush through things, so... We'll do it tomorrow around noon. If you want to help you can let everyone know when it is!"



[oog: I'll start a seperate thread for it]

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